Forever Out Of Reach
by otownsangel
Summary: Buffy looks on while Spike visits her grave… Post The Gift


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Disclaimer: It's not mine… Well, the story is, but the characters aren't…   
  
_Summary:_ Buffy looks on while Spike visits her grave…

  
_Spoilers:_ "The Gift"  
  
_Rating:_ G  
  
_Author's Notes:_ I was watching "The Gift" on FX this morning, and the idea just kinda popped up… Then, "Bargaining" came on, and I just _had_ to write it… I'll probably continue eventually, but I doubt it will be anytime in the very near future, so I tried to leave it at a possible end… Ya know, no cliffhangers or anything of that sort really… And it's probably not very good. I did it in a completely different format. It's first person, present tense (I think… lol…). So, I'm not really used to it…  
  
_Distribution:_ If ya want it, take it, just give me credit… And, if ya could, let me know where it's going.   
  
_Feedback:_ You can send it to brock3005@aol.com or otownfan1520@yahoo.com. 

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Forever Out Of Reach:

He stands beside my grave, just staring at the cold gray stone. There are unshed tears sparkling in his deep, cerulean eyes. To any passerby, the vampire would look like nothing more than a man grieving for a lost love… And, in truth, he is. 

None of them believe it… The others think of him as nothing. Just a soulless being they have decided to make use of now that there is no Slayer here to protect them… 

But I do. I believe it. 

I believe it because I see it in his eyes as I watch him. Feel it radiating from the very depths of the soul he isn't supposed to have. 

Love. There is nothing but love reflecting back at me as I look on. 

I can feel all of it. Everything he's feeling. The emotions that threaten to pour out of him in a mixture of tears and incoherent words… Just as do every night. 

It hurts so badly to see him like this. To stand by and watch him cry and plead and beg for forgiveness, even when I know that there is no reason for all his pain. That he has long since been forgiven. That, really, there had never been any need for forgiveness at all, because he hadn't done anything wrong that night.

When I died… When I threw myself over that ledge, it was because of _fate_. There was nothing more he could have done. That night, I was meant to die. And I did. There was no stopping it. No changing of fates… This time it wasn't a prophecy. It just _was_. He couldn't have saved me, because I wasn't meant to be saved. 

He blames himself. I know this, because I see it every time he comes here… Every night. I see the way he's hurting, and I want nothing more than to take him in my arms and hold him. Tell him everything is okay… That I'm happy now. That I'm in a good place… But he already knows that. Even through all of the guilt and pain he's plagued with, I can feel that he knows. 

And he's told me. Night after night, he tells me. Whispers that, no matter what happened, I must be in a better place… Because no good and righteous God could ever send me elsewhere. Because I don't deserve Hell. Because I'm worthy of so much more… Because I died saving the world.

But still, even with all the love and warmth I feel where I now am, I don't know if I can ever truly rest. I am restless because I never had the chance to tell him. Because he will never know. Not really. 

I know he doesn't believe that he's worthy of my love… But he is. I have loved him since the night he called that truce between us, so long ago. Because it was on that night that I saw something in him… Something that made him better than most humans… There was a spark. I could see it. He doesn't know it, and he probably never will, but that night I saw his soul. That flicker that showed me he was different. It was the same light that I had seen in Angel… But stronger. I remember knowing in that instant that he would forever remain mine. And he has…

My own eyes are filled with tears now, mystical as they may be… I want to tell him. I want to hold him; be with him… Even if it's only for one night, I want to be with him.

But I know that could never be enough. If I were granted just one more night; one final chance to be with him… I would never be able to come back. Because I know that once I've told him, the love that he will show me will be so strong, I will never want to let go.

Already I want to drown in that love… To curl up in his arms and feel him holding me for the rest of eternity.

This place… Wherever I am, it's not Heaven. It's beautiful, but it could never be Heaven… Not for me. The only Heaven I could ever know would be in his arms. 

I denied it for so long… Too long. And now I hate myself for it. Because I am the cause for all his suffering. I am the reason he spends his days crying himself to sleep and being tortured by endless nightmares of that night.

I remember the first thing I saw when my soul left my body… It was him. The shocked horror that covered his face before the realization of what had happened hit him full force and for a moment he was frozen with the intensity of the pain and the guilt and the love that he felt for me… I remember watching as the sobs overtook him and his head fell into his hand. 

The whole time I was there by his side… Trying to find some way to let him know I was there. 

In all honesty, I think he knew. I think he could feel my presence… At one point, his eyes lifted just a bit and for a moment he stared straight ahead; confusion and pain marring his beautiful features. For a second, I even believed he could see me… Until his sobs hit again, this time so much stronger than before.

It was then that I tried to touch him… Hold him; comfort him. But I couldn't make contact. And it was then that my own tears took over and I cried out to the Heavens to let me have just one moment… Just one; that was all I was asking for. But my prayers weren't answered.

Now I wish that I had told Dawn to deliver a special message to Spike… To tell him that I really do love him. More than anything in this world… Or the next, for that matter. And I still don't know why I didn't. I knew. When I was standing on that tower, I knew how much I truly felt for him… Maybe I thought I would be able to tell him myself… That somehow, from the other side, I would be allowed to make some form of contact… But I can't. And now it's too late.

I'm crying as well as I stand here watching him… His tears are spilling down his sculpted features. 

He looks so beautiful in these moments. Like a weeping angel fallen from the Heavens. And it breaks my heart… It tears me apart inside because I know I can never be with him again. I know that I will never be allowed to hold him; touch him… Love him.

I am lost. I am lost because I need him and I love him… But never will I have the privilege of being his. 

I know I must get out of there. If I don't, this world I am now a part of will mean nothing. If I don't I will never again be happy. But deep down I know that it is already nothing… That I will never be happy without him.

And as I go, I whisper the words… And I almost think he hears them…

_"I love you…"_


End file.
